A conversation between Meir Tati, the exhibition curator, and Gili Fleischman, therapist and facilitator for transformation and healing processes, following the exhibition \u201cMaintaining the Question.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Meir: Hi, Gili. My first question is, how do you define \u2018an act of healing,\u2019 or how do you understand the term \u2018healing space\u2019?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Gili: In the term \u2018an act of healing,\u2019 there is a built-in absurdity. First, for me, healing has to do with relaxation \u2013 relaxing into things as they are. In this situation exists something that we find so difficult to be in touch with that we burrow into the same mechanism over and over again. To free ourselves from this position, we must learn to allow ourselves to be with things as they are, and then we can process them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ll take, for example, the field of trauma therapy because it embodies the dynamics of trauma: In a state of trauma, the body is unaware that the traumatic situation is over. Say that I experienced something long ago, yet my body continues to exude hormones and behave as if I\u2019m still being chased by a lion. To be able to heal, I must allow myself to be present. If I constantly flee or disconnect, then the most fundamental thing is to create a safe enough space: a space in which it is safe for me to feel \u2013 it acts a little like a lubricant \u2013 and this opens an opportunity for me to mourn what I couldn\u2019t have mourned in real-time, and do something that, so far, I\u2019ve never done. In other words, it means agreeing to feel something that, for many years, I refused to acknowledge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If you\u2019re asking about the act of healing, for me, it\u2019s a presence \u2013 a loving presence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Meir: A word which I don\u2019t really understand in this context is \u2018agreeing,\u2019 although I sense that it is crucial to the process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Gili: We are used to thinking about these situations as something passive that we didn\u2019t choose; however, when I avoid something, I am actually doing something very active.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Meir: Totally.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Gili: Kids have this toy egg that you put in the bathtub, and once it\u2019s warm enough and nice, a dragon or unicorn hatches. I see it as a reminder for myself that no matter how stagnant and static the situation seems, you only need one moment of infinite patience and tenderness to – ultimately – be yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Meir: I suddenly realize that I have a problem with the term \u2018healing\u2019 because it suggests that there is something wrong with you. By using the word \u2018healing,\u2019 we mean repairing something damaged. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Gili: I\u2019m not sure it means that something is wrong with you, more like something is bothering you, you feel uncomfortable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Meir: it\u2019s like a built-in paradox, because if we are talking about complete self-acceptance, there\u2019s no need to heal anything. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Gili: DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) addresses this problem. It\u2019s an established psychotherapy approach that began as an attempt to treat people in extreme situations. Initially, they were taught mindfulness, and the method deals precisely with this paradox. It\u2019s like saying, \u201cyou did the best that you could, given the tools that you had at that moment, and now that your experience is validated, you may stop and decide if this is indeed the way you wish to continue to move in the world. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Meir: So, is this the first action in the patient therapist dynamics? To validate for that person that whatever they feel is ok? Or is it to validate their emotions and experience?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Gili: it\u2019s sweet that you\u2019re referring to patients and therapists, but first and foremost, we are talking about mothers and children (it can be extended to fathers). We are talking about elements of secure attachment, and this is where it begins: \u201cSweetie, you\u2019re hungry; this is why you\u2019re crying.\u201d And fulfilling other narcissistic needs that are very healthy. Only a few of us enjoy secure attachment. Our society doesn\u2019t even support it. We are starving for touch, and most of us simply don\u2019t have the tools to be intimate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As humans, we have an endless yearning for love and belonging. I once heard something that has stayed with me ever since, that even in soldiers\u2019 trauma stories, ultimately, they are talking about connections; questions such as \u201cwhy nobody came to rescue me?\u201d, which are constantly repeated, all come from there. When you are with a therapist or a mentor, the first thing is to allow you to be yourself as you are at that moment. But here\u2019s the catch, how do you avoid abusing this relationship like a drug and internalize it like medicine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Meir: What do you mean?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Gili: How do you refrain from becoming dependent on another \u201cfix\u201d of that person telling you that you\u2019re ok and experience the situation and process it instead. Many people oscillate between dependence and healing. If I\u2019m only your Clonex, I will ease your anxiety, loneliness, or pain, after which you\u2019d go on with your life. But if I allow you to go through a missing experience and grant you a space to learn through experience, you\u2019d be able to change the part in you that holds on to these things, allowing for a real transformation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Meir: I will lean into your \u2018parents\u2019 example. The mother or father validates your situation, but you must detach yourself from their validation at some point. At some point, you must get it for yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Gili: These are cognitive nuances that change everything. I\u2019m talking about nurturing in a relationship. Let\u2019s say, for example, that I\u2019m a baby, and my mother nourishes me, but sometimes she disconnects for various reasons; it could be because of a specific incident \u2013 maybe she has undergone a medical procedure, and perhaps she\u2019s a person who sometimes disassociates. To avoid experiencing the withdrawal of her nourishment, which is unbearable, I will avoid relaxing into the nurturing experience when it arrives because I don\u2019t want to experience this loss again. The Hakomi method calls this mechanism a \u2018Nourishment Barrier.\u2019 This mechanism creates people who are always hungry and never fulfilled. You can see it in drug abuse and emotional eating, and even in the possibility or impossibility of feeling comfortable within a relationship. This is something that many of us simply can\u2019t enjoy \u2013 we can\u2019t feel safe in a relationship; rather, it feels like Bungee jumping.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Meir: Absolutely. I think about a voice. The voice of the person you are in a relationship with. It\u2019s such an essential connecting thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Gili: You mentioned the voice, but there are so many non-verbal levels to this communication. There are ways in therapy in which you can tap into the attachment system, physically and mentally. If, as a therapist in a therapy session, you are in a state of mindfulness and there\u2019s eye contact, you can use simple and delicate questions to enter this primal space, and it can easily become a mother-baby relationship, and time stands still. It\u2019s an entirely different consciousness. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Meir: I want to ask you about intention. As someone working in the healing realms, and frankly, I regard you as a therapist shaman, what is the intention you bring to the encounter with the patient?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Gili: It has evolved through the years. It\u2019s a timely question. I was going through a deep professional crisis, and I\u2019ve just read a text that really moved me. In Nietzsche\u2019s Thus Spoke Zarathustra,<\/em> he writes that it\u2019s enough for a healer to heal himself in order to show his patients that a person can heal himself. It really spoke to me. I see it as a three-way contract: first, there\u2019s the healing process of the person in front of me, and I\u2019m committed to it. Then there\u2019s my personal work, which is also a tool in this process. And third is a general principle that I sometimes refer to as \u201cdecency\u201d and to which I\u2019m committed. For me, it\u2019s of utmost importance to be in an honest existence as much as I can and as much as is suitable for the person in front of me. And decency allows a space \u2013 it might sound trivial \u2013to not use the person in front of me. Sometimes it\u2019s a delicate nuance that changes everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meir: I can relate to what you\u2019re saying. When I teach \u201cIntroduction to Art Education\u201d at Sapir college, I tell my students that if they want to know what introduction to art education is, they should look at how I teach. I teach who I am. We read texts that I like, and I act in class like I think an educator should.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Gili: I specialize in trauma and complex trauma, which means I work with the people who suffer the most in relationships. Part of my commitment is to agree to be in touch with my darker sides. Different parts of my psyche come into play. I can feel like a potential rapist; I can feel violent; I can be neglectful; There are so many components. But to really allow someone to touch the heart of the things they find difficult to be in touch with, I must agree to be those things. And you must let yourself be a little lost. I need to pose a little danger mentally and then choose to be safe for them within the framework we\u2019ve agreed on. It doesn\u2019t work in theory. It\u2019s a language of truth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meir: This is beautiful. I think I told you before that there is something in the shamanistic aspect of therapy that I call a \u2018face shifter.\u2019 You can look at someone, and at some point, you realize that he can be just like you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Gili: This is an excellent way to connect to psychodynamic psychotherapy in terms of transference.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meir: what is a transference?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Gili: Transference and countertransference is the magic that happens in the clinic. I sit with you, and the more intimate we become, the more I allow you to project things onto me, and your inner world is brought to life in the room, like a hologram, and you may feel all sorts of moments that were frozen in time. It\u2019s powerful. Sometimes we can find clues to track it as well. I can look at you and identify the expression of a child. And through the manifesting theme, we can understand if it involves you at the age of five or you at birth. We can actually map it out. It does feel shamanistic. I can sit in front of somebody and suddenly feel very guilty or powerless, even though it makes no sense. Afterward, when we analyze it together, we understand that we really accessed the core of those things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meir: I feel that part of the therapist\u2019s job is to understand that they are not supposed to fix or solve things. Because the moment that, as a therapist, I manufacture a solution instead of staying with the open question, I accept a responsibility that is not mine to bear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Gili: That\u2019s right. Such a scenario doesn\u2019t allow for healing. You must surrender to the mystery of things. I tell my patients: \u201cWe have this phenomenon where your inner world is suddenly present in the room, and you project it onto me, and suddenly I\u2019m your mother, and other Freudian clich\u00e9s, but at the same time, it\u2019s something that happens specifically to you and me. It\u2019s very personal, and it wouldn\u2019t have happened to you with someone else.\u201d For example, a particular type of transference relationship happens more often in my clinic because I bring certain things into the room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meir: You consent to be of service but not to erase yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Gili: The idea of service doesn\u2019t work for me. I see it as collaboration. I feel that service is hierarchical, and it\u2019s not something that you feel in your guts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meir: Please, elaborate. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Gili: There is something sterile and avoiding in this position, though I\u2019m sure some would argue with me. For me, if I was only serving the patient, things would go past me. When I\u2019m a collaborator, it\u2019s still clear that we have our agreed-upon framework: I\u2019m the adult in the room, I\u2019m the timekeeper, I\u2019m responsible for not using you, and it\u2019s my responsibility to set the limits, but there\u2019s necessary reciprocity, that I wouldn\u2019t neutralize. Had I felt that I was only in a position of service, I think I would have stopped doing this long ago.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meir: I like \u2018collaborators.\u2019 I can identify with this experience with my therapist. Last session, there was a very significant moment in which we both understood exactly what was going on there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Gili: it\u2019s the extraordinary healing power of being understood and really understanding somebody.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meir: It\u2019s the desire to be understood, to be accepted for who you are, for your role, your pain, your love. It\u2019s a strong desire for acceptance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Gili: Previously, you talked about intention, but you are aiming too low. At the end of the day, the intention is that you will be in acceptance and be able to love. A patient once told me something I\u2019ve been carrying with me ever since: after years of therapy, there\u2019s a moment in which you understand that you are not there for your therapist. It was uttered after he felt I hurt him. I made a blunder, I was insensitive to him, and he felt disappointed with me, and suddenly he realized that he was not here to entertain me but rather for his own sake. As a therapist, I want to allow you to feel secure within vulnerability and uncertainty rather than give you certainty and a defensive wall.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meir: it\u2019s very much like holding someone\u2019s hand through life\u2019s chaos because it\u2019s so challenging to go through it alone. It\u2019s a separation journey from our parents. One of life\u2019s journeys is separating from one\u2019s parents and constantly feeling the demand to be alone in the world, stand on one\u2019s own two feet, or be considered a failure. To be in the space of therapy is to be in a vulnerable space, with someone holding your hand and saying, \u201cI\u2019ll help you in this chaos. You can be vulnerable, and you don\u2019t have to watch yourself because I\u2019m here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Gili: For most of us, some of this mess begins when we can\u2019t move in our own organic rhythm. It\u2019s an inevitable part of life. This is also the way growth is achieved. It\u2019s part of the magic of existence. However, if you never had the opportunity to feel that your needs are fulfilled and secure, like when somebody\u2019s got you when you have an \u2018accident\u2019 in the middle of the night, you can\u2019t authentically manufacture the generosity you are asked for or the \u2018normality\u2019 you are expected of. For many of us, this is the thing. We never got to be children or occupy our own space fully.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meir: There\u2019s a grace in being a child, but at some point, the grace period ends, although you haven\u2019t yet developed tools for being an adult in the world. You still want someone to hold your hand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Gili: We receive many messages deeming things illegitimate. These messages work from within the shadows. The concept of light and shadow is very significant here. I, for example, was handed a clear message that I must be humble and that my desire to feel admired was ok only if it was in very small doses. Between the lines, I got the message that my need to feel admired is despicable and that I should be ashamed of myself. Later I will wander the world feeling like I\u2019m stealing something, or worse \u2013 I may actually steal something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meir: You frequently use the term \u2018Shadow Work.\u2019 Do you want to say something about it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Gili: \u2018Shadow Work\u2019 is a term that Jung coined. It deals with the archetypes and collective consciousness we all share. The assumption is that there are parts of us that are out in the open, which are considered legitimate, and which we acknowledge, while there are other parts with which we prefer not to be in touch or not do deal with them, so we keep them in the shadows. They manifest as addictions and behavioral patterns. For example, I can be very triggered by someone because it\u2019s like looking in the mirror at some part of me that I prefer to avoid. There\u2019s a moment when you realize that many of the things that vibrate and annoy you are an opportunity to bring a part of you back home. Inside every such part, there is gold. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Meir: So, you must go through the darkness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Gili: It\u2019s part of the mystery, as we\u2019ve said earlier. It\u2019s a great gift to pass through the darkness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meir: I feel it\u2019s important to be in the darkness and tackle it, stay there and befriend the darkness. Like in the children\u2019s book, There\u2019s a Nightmare in my Closet<\/em>: The monster comes out of the closet and onto you, and then you realize that what it really needs is someone to tuck it in or give it some hot chocolate. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This inner conversation seems like something that a healing space may allow. Growing up, I didn\u2019t have a space for internal discourse. However, as time passes, my inner conversation takes up more and more space, as well as the desire to stay in those moments in the dark.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Gili: I\u2019ve been looking for a good Hebrew translation for the word \u2018integration,\u2019 and the best I\u2019ve come up with is \u2018shalom\u2019 or peace. In what you\u2019re describing, there\u2019s a deep sense of peace, which is a great kindness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meir: I think my tactic, which others might share, is a mechanism of absence and detachment. The first readily available mechanism is detachment from a situation that I find difficult. To be in a space of healing is also to be released from detachment as the primary mechanism that offers me security.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Gili: We have our sympathetic nervous system: In situations that we perceive as life-threatening, we have three possible behaviors at our disposal: flight, fight, and freeze, which is often accompanied by disassociation. But the initial defense available to us in this life \u2013 say, for example, that you were born in traumatic labor \u2013 is to contract. This is the very first thing that the mind and body learn to do. People who experienced trauma close to their delivery often learn to contract their feelings. The remedy for that is simply slowing down and being with one thing at a time. This is also part of the healing space. You mentioned the possibility for inner discourse, but ultimately, it\u2019s about taking that moment to breathe air between the particles and feel safe to slow down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meir: I love this. Let\u2019s end with slowing down as the solution because the ability to slow down is the ability to be alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Gili: To be present.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meir: To be in the moment. We live in a culture of excess that doesn\u2019t let us slow down. It\u2019s a culture that causes absence and detachment. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Gili: you asked me earlier about my contract as a therapist with my profession and life. I\u2019m very committed to creating intimacy this way; to bring people into the light and allowing them to wake up from a coma. This is our contemporary exile: we are asleep; we live automatically, mechanically, with addictions, anxiety, and great loneliness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meir: Come out to the light. Thank you, Gili.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" A conversation between Meir Tati, the exhibition curator, and Gili Fleischman, therapist and facilitator for transformation and healing processes, following the exhibition \u201cMaintaining the Question.\u201d <\/p>\n Meir: Hi, Gili.<\/p>\n